The Act of Self Compassion
The act and process of self compassion is scary, for it means we must share our deepest, darkest, and most vulnerable fears and feel the rawest pains within us as well. The good thing is it gets easier the more we do it. The soothing balm of self compassion means separating momentarily into the witness who watches those hurt places and parts within us and then offers them a listening ear, a kind eye, a loving dialog and a warm embrace in order to feel through and release what has been judged as bad or wrong.
There is nothing that cannot be healed with compassion. Maybe that is why we are so scared of it? That it is just so darn powerful. We hold the most powerful antidote to pain and suffering right here within us. That power is incredible. Though the pathway through is a warrior's path. We must go through the pain with Self Compassion as our loving protector in order to get through to the other side where the door opens and more light and love is let in.
Self compassion is a practice developed over time, often in a state of pause or stillness. It then becomes a loving action that originates from this place of beingness. There are so many ways we can give love to ourselves, but it first starts with stopping and listening to what it is that we need. If we pause long enough, we start to hear these needs speaking to us. And we also start to realize when we don't listen to them, they get louder, more incessant, and will become intertwined with other needs. This is why it is so important on a daily basis to take some time, even if it is for a few minutes, to stop, pause, and just be with ourselves without any distractions.
If you are looking for ways to come into stillness to develop more self compassion, my free restorative yoga class is still avaialble and it can be practiced right from the comfort of your own home.
Another way to get still is to practice meditation and use the self study curriculum of A Course in Miracles which I often teach from. A Course in Miracles has a 365 day workbook that assists us in undoing fear-based thinking and parts of ourselves that are frozen in pain in order to allow the light of self compassion within us to guide us.
How do we practice the act of self compassion? Let me count the ways :)
An Ode to Self Compassion {Poem}
Behold the willingness to be seen
A sacred healing prayer
That beckons the call and answer of Self acceptance and godly-bodily friendship
Invisibly cloaked with sacred compassion
Only my self loving summons the safety of a warm summer nights breeze against my skin,
the sweat born of heat from the burning out of old ways and phases gone by
Let the whole world see me naked
Naked with compassion
Everything is bare, bold and exposed
In truth
In to me see what only One knows is an ancient act of letting go
And yet I am not in control
I just bare witness
With all things to be as I sit and watch the carnival dance
Stillness sheds each sheath so my heart becomes a beam melting into the horizon
What is the True Self?
The often elusive true self is discussed in many spiritual traditions, personal growth books, yoga classes, and therapetic settings. But what the heck is it? And why does it seem like this impossible to reach concept?
I'm going to try and break this down as simple as possible..because I hear you! I use to be wondering the EXACT same thing.
The True Self is the place within you that is your wisest, most compassionate, clearest, and centered self. It is the REAL YOU.
Some basic facts about it:
Everyone has a True Self at their core (whether you experience it or not)
The TRUE SELF is not a destination, meaning it is a part of your BEING, however you may find that certain self care practices and life experiences bring you closer to experiencing it)
Undoing fears and blocks naturally will bring the True Self more to the forefront in your life, allowing it to be the COMPASSIONATE LEADER that makes the decisions for you.
All healing and recovery work helps us to illuminate the True Self, sometimes suddenly, oftentime gradually, in time
When you are not in true self, a PART of you is triggered. Some call this ego. It is like a cloud covering up the sun. PARTS include any fears, anger, guilt, depression, protective parts, manager parts (more on this in a separate post).
The True Self is WITHIN YOU (not outside of you) and it is INTERCONNECTED with the True Selves of others and connected to the greater universal wisdom
The True Self is a deep well and the more we listen to it's voice the more peaceful we feel
Experiencing the peace of the TRUE SELF does not mean we never experience pain or stress. It just means that we have a compassionate friend there to soothe us through life's challenges.
There are many ways to get closer to feeling the presence of your TRUE SELF, many of which are discussed on this site! If you are looking for support in doing this, do not hesitate to reach out. Ask for help, and get it ;)
Some Benefits of Parts Work
Some of the benefits of Parts Work/IFS are:
An increase in self compassion
An increase in your ability to regulate your emotions
An increase in your ability to feel your feelings
A release from stuck pain that hasn't responded to other therapy or personal growth work
The ability to hold several experiences or thoughts as true at the same time
A decrease in numbness, intellectualizing, dissociation, and obsessive thinking
An increase in the ability to determine what is your critical voice and what is your loving voice
An increase in balance
An increase in centeredness
An increase in the relaxation response in the body
A deepening awareness of your own inner guidance and innate wisdom
And so much more!
If you would like to read more about what Parts Work is, check out my blog post What Is Parts Work
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What is Parts Work?
By popular request, I am taking some time to discuss the model of Internal Family Systems (IFS) or what I like to call Parts Work. I hope this article helps bring some more clarity to this life changing work.
IFS has actually been one of the most useful, practical, down to earth, and approachable techniques I have used for myself and with clients. It takes spiritual truths and practices that often can seem intangible and out of reach, and grounds them, right here in your own body and mind. Many of you know I am continuously inspired by the text of A Course in Miracles (ACIM). I have found that the principles of ACIM have often remained out of reach or even invalidating to the emotional experiences in my life until the approach of IFS came along. When I use them together, (along with other things like yoga and the 12 steps) spiritual truths become something that is tangible and real, something I can experience and take action on in my lives.
Internal Family Systems is a mode of therapy that was developed by Richard Schwartz intuitively as he discovered that his clients were experiencing and talking about different parts (or voices) that would adopt different roles in the person's life. The client would be able to step back and say, "a part of me felt this" and "another part of me felt that". For example, you may have a part of you that is very interested in reading more about this article, and another part of you that is more concerned with all of the things that it thinks you need to do next. Or, you may have a part of you that knows you always feel better after going to the gym, but another part that throws a tantrum and says, No! I don't want to go! Or even more deeply, you may have a tendency to feel hopeless about certain areas of your life, or feel like you are always anxious and worried. These feel like permanent states or conditions, but they are actually just "parts of you" that can be communicated with.
Schwartz found that he could assist his clients in directly talking to these parts or that he could talk to the parts directly and have conversations. Through this compassionate conversation, healing occurs. I once heard Schwartz say in a commentary on mindfulness practice, if a suffering being was sitting in front of you in real life, you wouldn't just sit there and stare at him like it often seems like we may be doing with our thoughts in a more traditional zen meditation. In real life, you may decide to talk to the person. You may do something for him.
This doesn't mean we are activating the "doing" mode that I often talk about in contrast to the "being" mode. This conversation is done from a place of being, or in other words, an open heart and a place of compassion. IFS helps us get to that place of open heartedness as well: if you're wondering "how do I support a part of myself with an open heart when I don't feel open enough in the first place." In my experience, traditional mindfulness and IFS meditation techniques go hand in hand. I am able to access my truest centeredness by incorporating BOTH.
I found a quote on my yogi tea last night that I think describes all spiritual practice as well as IFS perfectly, "Life is to Communicate". When we think of the word communication, we readily think of communication with another person. However, the communication we have with ourselves and the higher power or higher Self within us is the bedrock of this communication. They are one in the same. The way we communicate with the parts of ourselves is the same way we communicate with others. Some of the components of this communication are honesty, willingness, vulnerability, compassion, and acceptance. Therefore, as my longtime teacher/therapist Judy says, "It's all an inside job".
Like any model, IFS is a way of organizing and understanding knowledge that truly goes beyond words, however, I find that this model is one that actually assists you in going beyond the model. To me, that means it is a spiritual psychotherapy. It is a therapeutic style that does not keep you limited at one level of your own awareness. It helps you expand that awareness, deepening your healing and growth over time by solving problems from a different level than the original one that created them. This is also a model that can be used in a therapeutic setting and also in a non-therapeutic setting. Many people use IFS in a coaching setting or in business consultation. It is a powerful and compassionate model that is life changing no matter how it is used!
Stay tuned for part two where I will describe more about Internal Family Systems and how you can apply it in your life. I will share some pictures to help visualize the model as well as explain how an IFS meditation goes.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments about this too so I can put these answers into my next blog posts.
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Why We Need to Remember Our Hearts
The heart is a symbol of connectedness, compassion, authenticity, and embodied living. I strongly believe that we all need a place where we can find safety, sanity, and understanding in a world that often appears otherwise.
At a very young age, we learn how to shield and protect our hearts. Some of us due to family experiences, trauma, dysfunction and messages, others due to school, cultural and societal messages, and some of us experience a closing due to all of the above.
This closing is a survival mechanism. And yet, what was once helpful in to make it through our past experiences prevents us from giving and experiencing love now in the present. This type of unconditional love that we are all craving is not something that we have to get or achieve.
It is already within us and as we remember our hearts, we start to gain access to this unlimited well of wisdom, light, and life that has been right here all along.
It is my believe that every human being on this planet suffers and struggles in some way, shape, or form, until they embark on a journey that guides them to reconnect with the inner teacher within.
If you are feeling depressed, chronically hopeless, anxiety, having panic attacks, suffering from an addiction to a person, place or thing, have difficulties with food, feelings of chronic emptiness, indecision, confusion, obsessive compulsive tendencies, numbness, or suffering from intense anger, know that these experiences are your doorway IN.
You can learn to live your life from a centered place, you can release the inner critic that perpetuates the shoulds and should nots of our lives, the relentless distraction, shaming, and worthlessnes and instead honor and live through the creative, curious, and compassionate TRUE SELF that is your birthright.
I only can share this because it is a journey I've been on for many years now. It keeps deepening, is finally reaping reward, and continues each and every day. Will you join me?