The Most Important Conversation You Can Have

SACRED CHAOS- 8"x8" ACrylic on LINEN CANVAS

SACRED CHAOS- 8"x8" ACrylic on LINEN CANVAS

Sometimes life doesn't meet us with the conversation we so deeply crave. To be seen, heard, received. We're craving connection and interaction and support and to express. Yet, we are in that place of "can I truly get what it is that I need from the outside?"

 

9"x12" GEM RICH ACRYLIC on CANVAS

9"x12" GEM RICH ACRYLIC on CANVAS

It's painful. That gap. Tormented at its grittiness, confusing at its best. And it can feel as if it's lasting a verrrry long time.

 

That need is truth. It is a yearning that is meant to be responded to.

 

And that gap represents all the suffering, neglect, abandonment, and minute fibers of where we didn't get what we needed when we needed it.

 

I believe this transition is the conversation growing within us...to be seen, heard, and received by our greatest inner genius and creative aliveness.

 

From this place we have cleared out enough space, and for some of us that's taken years (and do we ever completely finish? I don't know). And that space is the embodiment of our own seeing, hearing, being...loving, holding, appreciating.

 

DETAIL of STAINED GLASS (ACRYLIC PAINTING ON CANVAS 20x20)

DETAIL of STAINED GLASS (ACRYLIC PAINTING ON CANVAS 20x20)

I don't believe this is a spontaneous experience for most. It is a culmination of in the moment choices to keep loving ourselves bit by bit, loss by loss, burden by burden because really...we've gotten to a place where there is ABSOLUTELY nothing left to do, nothing else we can do.

 

The conversation is in YOU. Between your own body and mind. Between you and your highest power. Between you and the space around you that is yours and yours alone to explore. Just like any relationship, there's ups and downs, a struggle to understand when communication is misunderstood, and possibly years and years of resentments and not being heard. Maybe even deep soul crushing loss that has to be waded through.

 

This is your battle ground. This is where your deepest honesty is required of you, because, just like in any good relationship, that honesty is what brings you through the battlefield and into the land of intimacy and closeness.

 

And then from this place, this sense of being and fullness and aliveness, of being heard, felt, seen for all that we are, we become like the waterfall. Receiving from the circulating source and overflowing onto those who wish to bathe, dabble and play right along with us.

We all can do yoga

Hip OPENER- ACRYLIC INK on YUPO  

Hip OPENER- ACRYLIC INK on YUPO

 

We all can do yoga.

After my yoga teacher training, I couldn't even forward fold without wanting to burst into tears and feeling like my body was filled with lead.

Once I really let go of judging myself for this andtrying to move through those feelings to "be better" in the pose, I began to honor the pain that needed to be listened to in my body.

This experience taught me gentleness, presence AND was the next step in opening a gigantic door into the art and creativity of my recovered Artist Self. Gentle micro awarenesses. Over and over again...because I couldn't do anything else.

With this hand gesture I'm doing yoga. I'm pressing each finger into the floor. I'm feeling my palm rest on the fabric. I'm breathing. I'm listening. Simple. Small. Practices. Create. Shifts. 

An Inspired Dream Come to Life | Naming My Collection + Inspiration Board

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Just like my body I want my art to breathe life. I want my space to breathe life. Art contains the energy of the artist as messenger and the collective energy of the world and the different tribes we connect with. Art IS Life. 

I had no idea where I was going with this collection when I started out on it. I also had no idea that it would connect so much to the artist awakening that I had the summer of 2016.

I didn't quite realize the connection until I was answering some questions about my artist journey during an interview the other day. 

The question I was asked was when I started painting and the interviewer was surprised to find out that it has only been a little over a year. I'm surprised myself! I never expected this. 

I shared the name of the collection, Primal Dreams and the story that follows...

 

I believe that awakenings happen from incremental shifts over time.

Without a doubt, the last 10 years of serious healing energy I've put into taking care of myself was the largest precursor to my creative revival and awakening. Everything I have done has helped me lead me up to this point. 

However, the specifics of that last summer are quite interesting and synchronous. 

It had been over a year since I had completed my yoga teacher training and I was feeling like it was more difficult than ever to do yoga! My body felt like it weighed 2 tons and like I was wading through tar all the time. 

I could barely do a forward fold without wanting to cry. And I couldn't cry! What an awful feeling!

It was during this time that I had an epiphany (built up from days and months and years of small moments).

It was that I needed to STOP. Completely.

Stop teaching, stop doing workshops...just do the bare necessity to support myself financially so I could take care of the true source of abundance (myself) and  SURRENDER. 

I took this message...seriously this time. Because there was nothing else I could do but listen. I'd tried every other way and I still felt like pick-your-word-on a stick. 

Each day I would wake up in fatigue, pain, heavy body claustrophobia and just listen.

 

Starting from the ground up, I did restorative yoga and yin yoga. I took everything I'd learned over the years and gave it 100% completely to myself.

The attention, the presence, the intention.

I never left the floor really.

Instead of pushing my body through the heaviness and the pain, I opened up to it. I got curious about it. I validated it and saw clearly how it represented immense amounts of grief that were normal reactions to earlier experiences in my life. 

It was extremely hard. Words can't really describe it.  

As I listened, my body started to wake up ...through pain.

I intuitively knew that the muscles that were opening were connected to the fight/flight/freeze response in my body. I watched as it started from my legs and went all the way up to my head over months worth of time. 

I remember feeling my back for the first time, feeling my legs activate like they hadn't in decades. 

Then there were the muscle spasms through the night. Aching and pain during the day. Convulsions and cramping at night.

I was blown away by how much pain was coming up.

Yet simultaneously I wasn't fazed.

I knew I had been carrying muscle tension for decades and that I was just now starting to feel a lot of what that tension had been protecting me from.

I continued to do this day in and day out..it felt like it was going on forever!

And then one night, around 2am, I woke up around the standard time that my unconsciousness would throw me back into the room and reality to do some more yin poses.

After a lengthy hip opening pose, all of a sudden, I had a rush of creative inspiration pass through my entire body. 

I felt imagery and impressions and a dreamlike state that surrounded my birth come through.

I was in a deeply meditative state and I felt tapped into my newborn self, appearing from the womb, greeting the world and feeling scared by it and confused. 

I processed a lot of feelings that night about being in the womb and coming into life.

I didn't want to be born, I wanted to stay in the comfort of the soothing dark. The world felt harsh, bright, intense. People were staring at me, urgently waiting for me. It didn't feel easy or gentle. Childbirth rarely is. 

I ended up scribbling lot's of doodles of this experience. Peeking through the sacred circle of the womb. Seeing round faces stare back at me. Fertility goddesses.

Then I fell back asleep.  

From that day forward, the art and the creative inspiration hasn't stopped. 

As I shared the name of my collection with the interviewer, I realized that this collection all started with a primal dream from that one summer's night. That my human life is the culmination of a primal dream.  That this creative awakening is a rebirthing of my true self. 

How funny that I was creating this collection from that nonverbal place and then read the language in the paint after!

It has never been more clear to me that I speak with energy and feeling and that the words often find themselves much later!

The primal and dreamlike aspects of this collection came through my hands and heart and now I can see that this relationship between myself and the canvas has been building for a long time.

That my journey is deeply connected to this work and that I am not in control or in charge of what I create when it is coming from this inspired place. 

I also wasn't in charge of the awakening because I had so many starts and stops over the years and there was no forcing it! 

I thought I'd share a few of the connections I made in free flow form to Primal Dreams:

 

I love organic marks and shapes because they are the same lines and movement that make mountains and flow water🎨

I love dancing, movement, free flowing. 

A dream- a happy dream because I never thought I'd be doing this and feel this connected and joyful to my purpose

A dream because it's channeled through my perspective, my lens of the world. 

A dream because it's representative of what my nighttime dreams feel like- ethereal, transparent yet slipping thru my fingers, edgy, soft, energized and full of emotion and passion

Representative of my daytime dreams, because my creativity, imagination and thoughts are where I've hung out for good and for bad. 

The idea of a dream becoming a reality

Representative of my creative awakening. It happened at night around 3am in this dream like state

This collection uses a limited color palette, similar to primal and tribal art where our ancestors had limited access to the palette and tools they found in their environment.

The essence of mark making, using fingers, palms, impulsive and energetic movement couple with a grounded meditative state. 

Real, raw, authentic, human dancing in the infinite capsule of spirit and in life. 

 

Also, See below for a little inspiration board that I have created (again after the collection) that represents the modern dreams and imagery that inspire these pieces.

 

Thanks for listening in. I hope my story inspires you to listen deeply to yourself and to be patient with wherever you are. Something beautiful is unfolding!

Ofcourse, I can't wait to reveal the full collection to you! It releases Monday September 18th at 10am and on Sunday at 8pm for subscribers. Enter your email below to get on the list.