Your worth is already a given.
We each have always been on a level playing field on what we have been gifted within.
A child is born. A bright shining light. Only their joy and self expression and personalities to offer the world.
For the longest time in my life I thought that the relationships people had, the way people looked, acted, and thought, as well as what they were wearing, the houses that they had, and basically everything I could see was based on worth.
As a child I grew up having enough to survive, yet instead of practicing gratitude as a family, the drum beat was the energy of not having enough. Lack. Scarcity. Fear.
In particular, the contrast of living in a wealthy area where I would see the images of a mom and a dad, shiny new cars, outgoing personalities, vacations, and big family get togethers, beautiful, gigantic homes, and so much more of what looked "great" and "perfect".
When I looked at these outside circumstances surrounding me I saw that mine were different .
I lived in an apartment and shared a room with my brother. Our family had little money, my father was absent and didn't support us financially. I had a very small family, more broken relationships than I could ever count that festered into chronic loss, heard a lot of judgment and found myself in the middle of adult conflicts that I tried to solve because I couldn't bear the pain of it.
I wondered what it was about ME that caused my life to go this way and for other people to have it so "good".
Add in the fact that young children go through the developmental stage of thinking, "I am the center of the world" and all of these experiences accumulated into chronic inhibited grieving and perpetual trauma.
I was also an extremely sensitive, intuitive, and aware child....
And there you have it. The perfect storm was created!
I internalized EVERYTHING.
You could say I was a sponge for self-blame. You name it, anything that happened was my fault.
I lived tortured on a moment to moment basis, highly aware of these thoughts from a very young age...embarrassment, insecurity, fear, and believing it was all something I did...and not knowing what to do, how to relieve myself, and how to vocalize what I was going through..
I didn't know the way out. I wasn't meant to know it. I was just a child. But I didn't know that.
I thought it was my worth.
I thought that there was something about me that was causing me to experience such deep pain all of the time.
A life of massive shame bombs felt like what I was destined for.
As time went on it only seemed to get worse. I would constantly be disappointed.
Each hurt would build up upon the other until a massive shame detonation, deep depression, took over for 15 years.
I now understand that this was complicated PTSD. There was no name for it back then and therefore, I remained untreated.
Yet, despite this, there was always something inside that was nudging me forward and asking me to take another step.
Whispers of intuition, grace, wisdom, and a heart that yearned to be opened had me searching for answers to the pain.
All the while "there's something wrong with me. it's my fault" noisily blasted in my mind day in and day out.
It was a mental nightmare along with an incredible ability to keep functioning more consistently than not. Functioning was my way to dissociate and to continue having a high tolerance for discomfort, as well as a really strong resiliency.
There were many, many, moments and times that I felt like I was never going to get through. I tried and did what felt like failed. I felt abandoned by God, the Universe, every adult in my life, every family member. I felt punished when my cat died and like there was some evil force keeping me from having a loving relationship.
I picked myself up off the floor over a thousand times and died another thousand.
I thought it was me. I was unlucky. There had to be something terribly wrong with me.
It wasn't until finally one of my next steps led me to the office doors of a talented therapist (someone who has been in recovery for the same pain) that I started to recognize that all of these excrutiating feelings were actually NOT signs that there was something wrong with me.
Feelings were feelings and didn't mean anything about who I was. Feelings also were a direct result of me reacting to a situation.
I learned more about my situation as well. I learned that I was powerless over the circumstances I was born into. I learned that there are consequences of unhealed trauma and dysfunction and that no child could navigate those turbulent waters and deep black depths by herself.
I learned that who I am is a gifted, brilliant, shining, happy and deeply feeling being who had to shut herself off because getting snuffed out by my surroundings were too many deaths to bear.
It took me 7 years to learn some things about this intellectually. (As well as pile an avalanche more of ungrieved griefs right on top of what felt like an already unsurmountable pile.
It took me almost 8 years to learn this over and over again emotionally. And I still am learning it today. My feelings are still scary but I am grateful that I can feel now.
But I want to share that every little bit, every little shift, has taken me to where that I am now. I can't say that I have reached the point where I am grateful for the abandonment I experienced. I honestly don't feel like my inner child ever could. That's her loss to keep and I'm not taking it from her because it is a badge she bears.
However, my adult self continuously learns over time that struggles can become lessons when I allow myself to ask for help and receive it. That rejections are just signs from the universe that something is not the right fit and isn't jiving, that material items don't represent inner value, that beauty and self acceptance comes from within, that loving relationships are created in direct relation to how much I love the hurting parts of myself...that self care triumphs over all..
I keep taking the shifts forward. Because there is no other way for me to go but up. When your bottom is at a very young age, there is nowhere else to go but up. Even though every step felt like that shaky stair was trying to kill me.
I am not my shame. My shame was just a response to feeling like I couldn't be me.
And with all the releasing and searching, what ends up being left underneath is my worth.
Because I am worthy just for existing. And so are you.
Your worth is a given. There isn't some "in" club like I always thought there was. The popular or the cool kids don't really exist. The perfect family with the white picket fence doesn't exist. The fairytale where only the princess gets the prince doesn't exist. You don't have to be a celebrity to be abundant. And you don't have to have things that other people have to be abundant. Though you can have those things if that is what you so choose.
It IS your birthright and it IS who you are to feel good, even when life hands you a crappy deck that's appears to missing all the aces, kings and queens.
You ARE the Ace, King and Queen all rolled into one.
And if you can't see it, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! It is the result of the circumstances you have been born into. It was never true and it never will be.
Do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you can to continuously uncover your worth, the GOLD MINE that you are sitting on and you will have everything you have ever wanted.
Keep finding the next person to help you. Keep asking. Until you find someone who gets you.
Listen to what excites you, what makes you feel good. If you don't know what makes you feel good, start talking about what doesn't. Forget the runor about not being negative. Let it out, don't hold it in. You will naturally feel better and start shifting to having more compassionate thoughts towards yourself.
The message today is...go back inside and dust off that shiny diamond that is you!
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