Willingness Prayer

“Willingness Prayer”

All that is required of me is that I trust that the Universe has my back in this moment.

Just this moment, I trust.

And now in this moment, I trust again.

And this moment.

One moment at a time is all that is asked of me.

All that is asked of me is to summon up FAITH LARGE ENOUGH to contain and sustain my self through ONE MOMENT.

Bearing pain for one moment.
Surrendering to PATIENCE in one moment.
Giving my LOVE for one moment.
Opening up to RECEIVE in one moment.

I only can be here RIGHT NOW anyways. One moment is all that is asked of me. 

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The Wise Mind Warrioress

I took a liking to viewing myself as a warrior several years ago. Part of this lingo was derived from my appreciation of Pema Chodron. Pema is a beautiful kickass Buddhist nun who is so real about the day to day battles we go through to overcome our fears.

Seeing myself and others as warriors gives me a context to place challenges in. If I am a warrior, then I have a mission when it comes to pain and suffering; instead of pain and suffering being this unsurmountable icky blob that takes over my life. This word gives me strength and courage to face challenges as they come. It allows me to pick myself up time and time again, healing more deeply the next time around, and inspires me to teach others that they are more than capable of doing the same.

And where are these challenges taking us warriors and warrior-esses?

They are actually not taking us anywhere. What is actually happening is a letting go, an unlearning if you will of all the false ideas we've had about ourselves, all of the fears we've stored up as a layers of tension in our body, and a deeper realization of our True Self, the wise, loving voice, teacher, parent, and artist of our lives from within.

The first time I started to get a notion of this was when I was learning and teaching Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) as an intern and then as a therapist. DBT called it Wise Mind. Yet it always still felt intangible to me. Which I recognize now, is a stage on the journey. 

Essentially, you have heard this term many times over before. Some call it intuition. Others call it a sixth sense. Spirit. Awareness. Inner Guide. We all have one. Yours ain’t better or worse than anyone else’s. It’s intelligent, loving, and hella awesome. Simple to access in theory? Yes. Instantaneous recognition for most folk? No. Why? The built in “forgetting” mechanisms that we each have that sideswipe us on a moment to moment basis from BEING.HERE.NOW. Why? Because we needed to forget and survive certain experiences in our lives that we were unable to process. 

My life is about this journey to wise mind and I know yours is too. I am a Wise Mind Warrior-ess because I will do ANYTHING in my power to uncover my wise mind, my inner guide. You will hear me call it many things but it all boils down to this..

What do we all have that is with us all of the time?

What is, always has been, and always will be free?

What is this universal thing, that it doesn’t matter what you look like, how much money you have, what mood you are in, or what you ate for breakfast?

YOUR TRUE SELF.

I am a Wise Mind Warrior-ess…..are you???

A Stage of Creative Healing- Awakening, Loss, & Grief

A spiritual awakening is just that. A "spiritual" awakening. What's left after you awaken? Everything that you still have to work on as a human being. At the beginning of my conscious spiritual journey, I would read stories of other people who had these "awakenings" and about "enlightenment". I always saw it as this "thing" that was going to happen. It seemed exciting, elusive, and I put these individuals on a pedestal. How could I not? It was a special event where the entire ego just fell away. Of course, that was my ego still talking, though I didn't know it at the time. 

In 2013 I experienced the deepest spiritual awakening I had yet. I was able to deeply access the feeling of love and joy within myself despite still being aware that I had an ego. This stage of my creative healing coincided with a dedicated commitment to complete the ACIM workbook as well as a an elimination of wheat, alcohol, and most sugars from my diet. 

It was interesting. I could sense my ego's unhappiness, while at the same time realize that it was not who I really was. I could experience my true self fully and I felt incredibly happy. I had made the full shift into my true self and could completely step outside the ego. Even though my ego was still there, I had complete awareness of it and it felt like a huge relief.

This went on for several months. I knew something "big" had happened and yet at the same time I was confused. I still felt like the same person with the same patterns to overcome and yet I also felt more like myself. I had a glow about me. People would notice that something had "changed". I went through the deaths of my beloved cat Pecan and grandfather and had this inner knowing that I didn't think I would have been able to get through those experiences without this new "feeling" I had. 

At some point though, the reality of the grief hit me. It completely came out of nowhere and hit me harder than it ever hit before in the form of a great depression that I experienced for many months. 

Grief will open us and crack us open when we are ready to allow it. The deaths of the closest and gentlest beings to me was a doozy. And when we humans experience grief, all of our previous unhealed hurts, wounds, and griefs arise to the surface. 

For so many years grief, loss, and rejection had crippled me because I had experienced so much of it at an early age and didn't receive the emotional protection or nurturing I needed that I would just shut down and close more deeply. However, because of the healing work I had been doing, I was able to at least keep a window open so I could look at what was going on, despite the fact that I was pretty hijacked by the depression for the better part of two seasons. 

How interesting that we can be spiritually open and yet still not emotionally sober. Interestingly, I I started to realize with time that I wasn't as spiritually open as I thought. While I had come a long, long way, I still experienced deep abandonment pain, obsessiveness and fear based thinking in dating, judgmentalness of myself and others, shame, and a deep mistrust of people and fear of opening up that I wasn't even aware of at the time. This all translated to how I viewed a higher power. It was something I taught about but I hadn't truly accessed a feeling of support, safety, and peace.

As I worked through more grief and layers of my human experience, I started to judge myself for why I was not feeling that same deep connection and joy. Was I doing something wrong? How could I get it back? 

I became fixated on trying to "achieve" that state without even realizing it, thinking that I would be "better off" once I felt that way again. I started to feel guilty while meditating. Then I couldn't concentrate. I felt undeserving of feeling that elated inside and completely tangled in my own mind and ego trappings. 

This went on for many months. The inability to achieve the open states that I had been going to previously were gone. A pervasive fear of what was going to happen next erupted. I think most of the time I was in some form of shock and confusion. I spent a lot of time working on this with with my therapist and she would guide me to just be in the shock and the confusion. 

As time went on, I was called to start yoga teacher training. All of a sudden, yoga became an obvious next step, like it had been waiting there all along for me to fill in the blank in my personal and professional life. Something had been missing and yoga and incorporating movement with the body was it. I didn't understand this fully at the time, but now I see how important, necessary, and vital this step was for feeling emotionally sober and spiritually connected. 

How could I feel safe with other people and in life if I didn't feel safe in my own body? My body was on high, hyper-vigilant alert for decades, it wasn't just going to drop its guard now. 

I started to bring up my continuous guilt about meditating with a Yoga Teacher and we discussed privately about what happened over the past year and a half. He said something along the lines of, you experienced a spiritual awakening, and it's a beautiful thing that is rare. We don't know why you experienced it or what's to come, but you don't have to put pressure on yourself to know the answer either. Just know that it is meant to take you to the next place in your life personally as well as with the people you are helping. He also stated that if I spent my time trying to achieve that exact experience again, it would be impossible.

I likened what I was doing to a drug addict wanting another hit. All along I didn't realize that I was looking for that hit of the awakening and guilting myself because I couldn't get "high" enough anymore. 

He also suggested that I let go of thinking so much about it and just try to enjoy something that was really worth experiencing. Hmm, my mind intellectualized. If I am constantly thinking about it, no wonder I can't experience it! I am so busy trying to label and compartmentalize something that can't be labeled that I am talking myself right out of it!

In that moment, I felt validated. All the while I'd just been looking for someone to tell me that what I was experiencing was what it was and at the same time, let me know, it's okay, it's normal. It's a natural process of life.

And then I got it. Spiritual awakening is just being more like myself. It's not a crazy everlasting high. It's not this unattainable state in the future. Both my yoga teacher and therapist agreed that it would be impossible to sustain that over time anyways. 

My yoga teacher even suggested that maybe since I already was feeling more "like myself" I didn't need the intense hit of more awakening intensity because I was already "here".

I instantly allowed myself to soften into the moment after that conversation, letting go of any expectations and just being where I was at. I felt seen and heard. 

Interestingly enough, shortly after that acceptance, I instantly felt the rush of my true inner happiness rush back in again. Judgments fell away. I was able to spend an entire day following my inner voice like I hadn't in months. Guilt had diminished drastically and my mind was able to wrap itself around my Course in Miracles teachings which had seemed so disjointed for months.

I didn't know that I was in for an extremely raw and visceral next stage of my journey with the body, yet this was an extremely important stage for me in order to feel safe enough to start to venture into where all my trauma was stored. 

Getting to Know the Critical Voice

I have been thinking a lot about the critical parts of ourselves. How they are so near and dear to all of our hearts that we don't even realize it! We think that we are standing up for ourselves, encouraging ourselves, making sure we don't make that same mistake again..and yet, we are actually insidiously and covertly beating ourselves up. The critical voices within us can be so blended with our identity that we don't even realize how they are showing up each and every da

For the longest time, I had a critical voice that was disguising itself as a "I'm helping the environment!" voice. I spent a lot of time thinking about ways to not make waste, to not spend money on things like certain sponges or cleaners, and how to limit my consumption in name of the environment. This was stressful, because it was difficult to stay clean and organized! Not only was I worrying about "managing" my chores, always having an inner commentary about how what I was doing was fitting into this voices expectations, other parts of me were getting increasingly stressed out and hopeless because they couldn't win. It was an impossible situation.

Like every voice within us, there is a good intention that lies behind the seemingly distressing dialog. In this case, being kind to the environment and being aware of how I interact with the environment is a helpful and healthy intention that this Critical Voice part had. What wasn't helpful though, was that this voice was telling me things that would help the environment (like not using paper towels, multiple cleaning agents and products) and at the same time, these actions were being unkind to myself because it was just too extreme for where I was at personally. 

As we become more identified with our True Self, the place within us that is kind, compassionate, curious, and centered, we are able to take in the information of each different voice and instead of being hijacked by it's extreme perspective (a perspective that takes into account half of a truth...like let's be kind to the environment yet ignores taking care of oneself) the True Self will have a balanced understanding about what to do next. 

As I stood back and understood the good intentions behind a part of me that has this critical voice about the environment, I am offering compassion to it, instead of rejecting it (another back door way that the critical voice will come in again) and the Critical Voice will calm down....as do all parts of us that receive the loving warmth and understanding of our true self. 

In this specific situation, I honored the part of me that wants to be kind to the environment and feels good by being responsbile. I also though, had to honor the part of me that still likes to use paper towels and have several different cleaning products, including some cleaning products that are not considered the "most environmentally friendly". 

By having compassion for myself and where I am at in this part of my journey, I don't have to feel guilt because when I take care of myself first, I am more peaceful, happier, and gentle with not only me but with others as well. I could be the most environmentally conscious person in the world and be taking out my anger and frustrations on everyone around me. That wouldn't be helping the world either. 

Whenever we step back into the loving place within us, we are given the opportunity to see that there is a solution that can synthesize all of the desires, wants, and information that is coming in from each of the voices that are sharing their own separate interests.

When Holiday Cheer Isn't So Cheery

We are approaching the holiday season here in North America as well as the wintery months and cold weather here on the East Coast. While this can be a joyful time full of festivities, food, friends, fun, and family for many, the messages that are coming through our culture right now can be in direct conflict to what many of us are feeling. We are bombarded with transition during this time. We quickly transition from one holiday to the next, from cold weather to colder, from landscapes changing and financial needs shifting. 

We are concerned with our body weights fluctuating, our desires to eat delicious and decadent foods in direct contrast with our worries about staying thin, not getting fat, or following the latest trend in healthy eating. We may be experiencing less sunlight, and greater stress and anxiety about how to manage it all. 

If we stop and pause, we may start to realize that the stress is an underlying buzz that is always right beneath the surface. That each item checked off of our to do list doesn't bring us the peace and calm that we think it's going to and that excitement and activity doesn't truly lead us to feeling fulfilled. 

We may ebb and flow to be feeling excited about the holidays and we also may still be longing. Longing for a partner to share this time with, irritation with how many more winter months there are to go, or fear about what is going to happen once January hits and there is a long stretch of time until Spring comes. 

If we just listen to the messages and expectations from society about this being a joyful and happy time, we may find that we come up short and actually start to feel increasingly bad about ourselves because we feel that we need to be feeling or acting a certain way this season. Luckily, we don't have to succumb to the critical voice disguised as encouragement and we don't have to sacrifice our joy either. We can hold all of these experiences at the same time, without dismissing ANYTHING.

How do we do this?

It starts with allowing all the feelings, experiences, and expectations within ourselves to just be as they are. Without judgment, without trying to change them. The incessant need of the critical voice to be changing things is what actually keeps us stuck in a passing emotion that is normal. It is normal to feel stress in transitions, especially if you are a sensitive or anxious person. It is normal to feel sad as weather changes, the sun bows its head, or if you are feeling lonely because certain things that you want to happen in your life are not happening. What keeps us stuck, is when we don't normalize these feelings and we try to flutter along to the next thing, person, or place. 

This doesn't mean that we do the same thing to the critical voice that it is doing to these other feelings within ourselves. The critical voice deserves compassion as well. Sometimes we don't understand why it's there or where it's coming from..and that is okay. Just knowing that the critical voice is a part of us, not our true self, and understanding that it has a good intention is the first step in allowing healing to come in. 

If you are having conflicting emotions this holiday season, try writing out what each of them are on a piece of paper. Imagine they are surrounding a table and each have an equal say. If one voice is the loudest, let is speak. See if each of these voices can speak one at time. See if you can allow the compassionate voice within you to be the most present with them. 

Share in the comments below how you are feeling this holiday season. And share this article with a friend if you feel they are in the need to know that they aren't alone and that life isn't always a season to be jolly..though when the season is jolly...enjoy it!

The Act of Self Compassion

The act and process of self compassion is scary, for it means we must share our deepest, darkest, and most vulnerable fears and feel the rawest pains within us as well. The good thing is it gets easier the more we do it. The soothing balm of self compassion means separating momentarily into the witness who watches those hurt places and parts within us and then offers them a listening ear, a kind eye, a loving dialog and a warm embrace in order to feel through and release what has been judged as bad or wrong. 

There is nothing that cannot be healed with compassion. Maybe that is why we are so scared of it? That it is just so darn powerful. We hold the most powerful antidote to pain and suffering right here within us. That power is incredible. Though the pathway through is a warrior's path. We must go through the pain with Self Compassion as our loving protector in order to get through to the other side where the door opens and more light and love is let in. 

Self compassion is a practice developed over time, often in a state of pause or stillness. It then becomes a loving action that originates from this place of beingness. There are so many ways we can give love to ourselves, but it first starts with stopping and listening to what it is that we need. If we pause long enough, we start to hear these needs speaking to us. And we also start to realize when we don't listen to them, they get louder, more incessant, and will become intertwined with other needs. This is why it is so important on a daily basis to take some time, even if it is for a few minutes, to stop, pause, and just be with ourselves without any distractions. 

If you are looking for ways to come into stillness to develop more self compassion, my free restorative yoga class is still avaialble and it can be practiced right from the comfort of your own home.

Another way to get still is to practice meditation and use the self study curriculum of A Course in Miracles which I often teach from. A Course in Miracles has a 365 day workbook that assists us in undoing fear-based thinking and parts of ourselves that are frozen in pain in order to allow the light of self compassion within us to guide us.

How do we practice the act of self compassion? Let me count the ways :)