The Need for Connection

Sometimes life doesn't meet us with the conversation we so deeply crave. To be seen, heard, received. We're craving connection and interaction and support and to express. Yet, we are in that place of "can I truly get what it is that I need from the outside?"

It's painful. That gap. Tormented at its grittiness, confusing at its best. And it can feel as if it's lasting a verrrry long time.

That need is real. It is the truth. It is a yearning that is meant to be responded to.

That gap represents all the suffering, neglect, abandonment, and minute fibers of where we didn't get what we needed when we needed it.

I believe the transition through the gap is the conversation growing within us...to be seen, heard, and received by our own greatest inner genius and creative aliveness.

From this place we will keep clearing

out enough space, and for some of us that's taken years (and do we ever completely finish? I don't know). And that space is the embodiment of our own seeing, hearing, being...loving, holding, appreciating.

I don't believe this is a spontaneous experience for most. It is a culmination of in the moment choices to keep loving ourselves bit by bit, loss by loss, burden by burden because really...we've gotten to a place where there is ABSOLUTELY nothing left to do, nothing else we can do.

The conversation is in YOU. Between your own body and mind. Between you and your highest power. Between you and the space around you that is yours and yours alone to explore. Just like any relationship, there's ups and downs, a struggle to understand when communication is misunderstood, and possibly years and years of resentments and not being heard. Maybe even deep soul crushing loss that has to be waded through. Soulbreak.

This is your battle ground. This is where your deepest honesty is required of you, because, just like in any good relationship, that honesty is what brings you through the battlefield and into the land of intimacy and closeness.

And then from this place, this sense of being and fullness and aliveness, of being heard, felt, seen for all that we are, we become like the waterfall. Receiving from the circulating source and overflowing onto those who wish to bathe, dabble and play right along with us

Start with asking that craving voice, what do you need? And then be willing to listen to the answer. .

Forcing Myself- A Poem

Forcing myself to be where I'm not

Afraid I'm not going to get there

Leaves me feeling full of shame.

The critic communicates to myself

not only that where I am at now is wrong,

but that who I am is wrong

And that I am not safe.

Because now is my true nature

and trusting the process

is the vehicle from which a fulfilled life flows.

Though at one time life was running and sticky and not flowing .

I had to force myself to exist where I could not be. 

 So the critic learned then that now was suffering.

Thank you critic.  

I needed a way out. 

I needed protection.  

We are okay now.  

Savor What You Create

I 've always been a creative person and there is this deep calling within me to share what I create and to use it as a vessel to inspire and help people. And with the Internet, there is potential to not only reach people, but to really express myself through the design, feel, and content of my website.  

This leads me to an epiphany I had as I reflect back on the different websites I've created while I work on this new one. At the beginning of my business, I had this expectation that all the ideas I had would translate in the exact timing that I was expecting....FAST!

And this underlying belief had me looking for and absorbing information from other entrepreneurs that were hard selling how to get things done quickly and get a specific outcome. I might add here that this belief has shown up in many areas of my life: relationships, my own therapy, resolving conflicts and releasing resentments, my creative process..the list goes on and on. 

One of the pieces of advice was to just get out there. Quit waiting until everything is perfect and just put yourself out there. 

As I look back, this advice makes sense in the journey I took when it comes to starting my therapy practice. I didn't need a perfect website or a ton of content to start seeing clients. However, I've realized that when it comes to creating online, I've always had a deep desire for wholeness, creativity, fluidity, and rich content and it clicked for me recently this website IS my creation and it is an art form for me. And just like any art form,  we don't necessarily give ourselves away and put it all out there before the process is complete. 

I realize that is what I had been doing. Sending things out into the world when I was fumbling and feeling vulnerable, unfinished.

And this doesn't mean there haven't been moments where I've felt truly inspired and excited what I'm putting out there. It just means that the consistent inner knowing of my True Self has still been waiting to shine through and it's actually saying something quite different that much of the advice given.

Keep this for yourself Right Now

This is a love affair between you and your art

Create this for you and let everything else fall into place. 

The words whisper. Even if it's for this one moment, even in the next moment my right and inspired action is to share, keep this until I've savored it and received the gift that this art is.  

And this nourishes me! Keeping this a secret doesn't mean I'm not sharing pieces of the process, but there's something so fulfilling to me in just creating without needing anyone to see and letting this process unfold in the right time. 

As synchronicity would have it, I listened to one of Elizabeth Gilbert's podcasts in her channel Big Magic the other day that was emphasizing this same thing. She was talking to an art teacher/ grandmother/ wife/ mom who was helping everyone else and couldn't find the time to make art for herself anymore. She felt drained of lifeforce. Elizabeth suggested that she start a secret affair with her art and keep it to herself, sneaking away whenever she could, to be with the art process and let her wild unadulterated self be unleashed. 

Now this is the advice of an artist and as im coming through my own healing journey I'm recognizing that I'm an artist first. I have to honor that. You may have a different process..listen to that!

But for those of us that have been teachers/helpers/fixers/caretakers,  we've given too much of ourselves too soon for too long. Savor something for you. Fill up your own well. Develop that relationship between you and you, that wise self that is just waiting to spend time with you. You might not know what this means yet, but you will, and the first step is giving yourself that attention and intimacy and privacy that you'd want to cultivate in any other relationship.

There's something kind of exciting about writing this note today, with the possibility that someone else will read it at a future date, after I've offered it as a gift to the world. 

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Land of Starvation- A Poem

 The hardest thing I've ever had to do

was fight the unmanageable fight

of my birth into this life

for so many years.

Relentlessly pushing on

with only shots in the dark as my pull.

Floating in this mystery,

turned inside out,

a tornado is a better description.

The only safety was the dark and damp and tongue tied recesses of my mind.

Though that was excruciating,

drowning and frozen and faceless,

I'm learning now that was better,

than the truth of being a child without protection.

Warriorless kin

who are sent off into the desert alone without instruction

have dived into the abyss long before

they've ever known what the kiss of death is.

Quick, Easy, & Nourishing Zucchini Noodle Stir Fry

I've decided I want to cook more again. It's always on my list of life areas to cultivate more presence in. It will come in waves as those of you who know me or have followed me on Instagram, I'll get inspired and have a good run of cooking and baking but then my energy will need to turn elsewhere.

As time has gone on in my own healing, I've become a lot more gentle with myself about needing to get every area integrated at the exact time. Cleaning, cooking, working, organizing, and Ofcourse socializing, fun and creating...we are busy humans! If an area is not being tended to, instead of viewing myself as lazy (which I use to do) and then getting caught in a suffocating shame gridlock, I acknowledge that it just means I'm needing to put energy into another area. Usually (thanks rhythm of life:) it is in deep connection with something I'm emotionally processing. And one of the foundations of healing is that it happens in its own time.

Interestingly, the more I let go of the timing and trust that this area will get tended to in the right time, the more quickly I'm able to keep that area functioning naturally with little effort. This also includes having compassion for where I'm at for example: needing to pick up store made food, feeling grateful that I have the ability, financial means and live in an area where there is so much food available. It also includes paying attention to how I feel as I take these actions. This experience is more evidence that shame clogs the wheels, keeps us from being present and that compassionate and conscious awareness of our daily actions and the way we feel is what shifts things, not harsh criticism or self judgment. 

Ive also found that when I'm in this surrendered state, where I'm trusting the timing and accepting where I'm at, I'm more likely to be present for inspiration and synchronicity. Which leads me to an interesting tidbit I recently learned.

I was listening to one of Tommy Rosen's podcasts (Creator of Recovery 2.0) and he was speaking with Ashley Turner, a therapist and yoga teacher (ahoy my people!) and the discussion was about chakras (energy systems in the body) and what each level of healing means at each chakra. 

What stood out to me was the discussion about the root chakra, the first chakra, found in the area of the pelvic floor and perineum. This chakra represent our foundation (our roots) and is where our sense of safety, support, and groundedness is cultivated. Ashley also shared that it is the site of our nourishment and that cooking for ourselves, is one of the greatest acts of self care and is the foundation for nourishment. Literally feeding our selves lays the foundation for feeding our souls. 

I loved this connection and it resonates deeply because just a few days before I was noticing a restlessness and compulsive energy within myself in regards to purchasing food out (funny how the messages come in like that ;). I recognized that this was a call to put more attention on myself in this area and felt more deeply into that intention. 

Now, here's where perfectionistic thinking could have and would have bullied me in the past for not. Hopping. To. It. Immediately. And with a sense of urgency. Ughh, too much pressure!

Instead, I kept letting it evolve. So here we are tonight, and on to the recipe...finally. I didn't have any clue this post would become such a meditation on food and nurturing but I'm glad it did! And one more tidbit, another way I was compassionate to myself was I bought some things pre-cut. If you don't have money to do this right now than maybe find another way to be gentle with yourself, like cut up veggies the day before or food prep at the beginning of the week. However, if you like to do it all at once more power to you!

This meal is light, cleansing (ginger and lemon are great for the digestive and immune system!) and can have as mild or intense flavor as you like. The more you amp up the seasonings the more punch it will have. I also was out of garlic and coconut aminos which I'd usually use, and after improvising I found some new flavors I wouldn't normally think of! Creativity at its best:) 

Quick, Easy, & Nourishing Zucchini Noodle Stiry Fry

Makes about 2-3 servings

 Ingredients

 -a little less than a pound of zucchini (and squash if you'd like) cut into noodles with a spiralizer or store cut.

-about 2-3 oz of chopped white or yellow onion

-sesame oil-enough to drizzle in pan and then again after noddles are added

-fresh ginger- about a tablespoon grated or 3 cubes (Dorat makes these in frozen cubes found at Trader Joes. Containers are recyclable or can be used again if you'd like)

-sesame seeds- amount is your choice, have a sesame party and  throw them in like confetti!

-lemon- about a quarter 

-Himalayan sea salt- to taste

-black pepper-to taste  

-xylitol (or any sugar you like) about 2 teaspoons (you can also omit this) 

-red pepper spice or flakes

-1 cup to 1.5 of shrimp or protein of choice or you can go full veg. 

Directions 

Use a large wok or stir fry pan, put heat on medium heat and drizzle in the sesame oil, stirring in the onions. I like to salt and pepper them here and then keeping stirring them on and off until they start to get a little clear or even carmelized if you have the time. 

Add in the ginger and keep stirring, then the noodles (if using shrimp). Stir stir stir! The noodles will cook down with time, at first they take up a ton of space. Drizzle a bit more sesame oil in and then add the sesame seeds. 

Shrimp can be added in (you can use fresh or I like to use the frozen kind at TJ's because it's good quality for a good price. I also defrosted them a bit before hand. If you are using chicken or meat you will want to cook that first, then add the zucchini noodles.) 

Squeeze in the lemon juice, a little more seasoning, and then add in your red pepper if you'd like a little kick.  

It's done when everything is tender and the colors deepen at bit.

I hope you enjoy! I don't usually follow a recipe for savory cooking because I just cook intuitively for the most part so I hope this gives you enough direction and also allows you to trust and play with your own inner chef;)

bon appetite! 

Down and dirty photo. No time for prettiness, I was hungry!  

One more time....